Out of Iraq

on May 26th Ryan emailed: "I am now in the Deed, so I will be back in Okinawa tomorrow. Good news yes!!!"

Mom wrote back: "Ok!! This is great news! YES! We are on our way to a family reunion and I am going to fly down to Lake Crystal on this news!
I hope Okinawa looks as pretty as our yard these days.
Remember to get your paper work in for your leave right away! I can't wait.
I love you, we love you! Grandma, Kathy, Meg, Chris and all are going to be so excited, too!"

Today Ryan wrote:
"Hi Mom.
I just got my Internet hooked up, it feels really good to be back online. I am adjusting slowly but I am adjusting. I don't know how Gordon does it, all that intensity for all those years and than coming back. I find myself getting irritated very easily. It is good that I have nine other guys to vent with. Don't get me wrong I am really happy to be back, its just that people bug me and it is SOOO darn quiet.
I had sushi yesterday and it was great. I had so much that I could hardly walk. :) I am keeping steady at the gym and will begin running in the mornings. I did not keep up with that after I switched to nights. the burn pit was just so awful. they burned everything in that landfill, from trucks to stuff you don't even want to know about. We worked and lived in that smoke for four months. It is now in my permanent medical file.
I love you
Ryan"

Mom wrote:
"smoke for 4 mos? Glad you live in the land of seaweed! Eat Nori and other seaweeds as often as you can, with Vit. C supplementation and a good fiber to cleanse the colon. (The liver, colon, lungs, lymph system, and skin are the body's cleansers. Nourish those.) If you lungs hurt, mullien herb, oral or smoked, heals the lungs well. We can get some along the creek for you when you are here.
Hmm. Go to the post office and see if anything is waiting for you...
Something should be there to brighten one minute of your day.

I have some ideas about stress. I work with people who have stress reactions and we work on reframing life for them. As well as having had to overcome post traumatic stress symptoms of my own before you were born and into the years you were young. (One of the reasons I don't think women should be in combat or near combat before and during parenting. Its hell on the fathers, why make it hell on both parents to make it equal? Can't we swing the other way and help men to be buffered and healed from hell?) I hope it is ok to share this with you. If you aren't in the mood for it now, just archive it.

Coming from such stress makes a person's reaction to people who are not in that matching stress level seem irrelevant. You have been used to "smelling" stress hormones on your coworkers and now that you don't you must feel that the people without that smell are weak, irritating and clueless. That is the protective nature of stress hormones pumping through your body. They say stay alert, look for trouble, ignore peaceful plant eaters, and search for antagonists. The problem can be that when you aren't in constant danger anymore the adrenaline habit makes peaceful situations seem dangerous and you see them through the stress chemical filter.

One Sargent tells the story of going into Home Depot to buy some home repair items, when he was back in Minnesota, and a young clerk comes up to him and asks him if he needs help. But the clerk was too close, stood in the aisle so that the Sargent felt blocked and responded with rules of engagement and the next thing he knows is that he has just disabled the clerk. Whoops. Good reflexes, wrong setting.

Keep checking in with your self about where you are and that you are in the present time and place and no longer surrounded by combat.

Again, seaweed will help regulate that, as well as running and good nutrition. Be thoughtful of how hormones work and realize that you have been at warrior speed for four months. A good massage, swim, run, etc. for about that same amount of time will regulate your brain chemicals.

Get some classical music and think about whether you really want to keep pumped up with blasting music and fight videos. Sometimes that stuff will feel like relief because it will match your energy. Like raw steak on a wound. But it doesn't heal the wound. At first the classical music may seem irritating, so don't put it on till after a run or swim for the first couple times. In other words, put it on when you have fewer stress hormones and then breathe it in to relax your body a little bit more. You will have to get over the initial irritation and then as you breathe deeper you will feel the power of Beethoven or Mozart or Bach. I like Sibelius, too. And John Williams!

I am back to laughing about the clinic. Thank you for being my son. I love you and that story makes me very, very happy. I am giggling and enjoying the family gumption as seen in you!

I talked to my old friend Nickie Kerrigan who read "your" blog and she loved your description of the rain in Balad and thought, "Why, Ryan is a writer!!"

Aunt Betty Norman didn't even know you were in Balad (sorry!) and she was so surprised to hear you were coming back. She is so proud of you. Sheryl and Harland, too. They invited you down, if you want to take a drive through southern MN. We went down for Sheryl's daughter Lindsey's wedding reception to Mike last weekend. Lindsey is a USAF officer in England. They have a baby now so Lindsey is "separating" from the AF in September to avoid being sent to Iraq. Of course, I approve of mothers staying with their babies. Mike is a fine guy, a Welshman in England who sells computer software. Great accent. The drive down was beautiful.

I love you, hon. I knew you would leave Iraq. Now stay safe, especially flying in the air and swimming in the water. I love you. Did I say that before? :)
Love, Mom

Flowers from Iraq

My son has sent me flowers from Iraq. Ok, so the internet is awesome. The flowers were ordered in Iraq and mailed to me from Organic Bouquet from California. They opened after sitting in sugar water a couple days. Look at the colors!


These are the Spring Lilies.
(The box they came in is now carrying my childbirth class "stages of labor" posters to and from workshops. )

What a lucky mom I am!

Photos

Showing off
So calm
Bulkin' up


These are some recent pictures. Some even taken with in the the last 24 hours. Please enjoy and diseminate. There are alot of them so have fun.

The night crew

A mighty wind

I am going to the gym four on one off, I have the work out down to an hour and a half. I am getting in pretty good shape and feeling much more healthy. I run about three times a week. time really is going by nicely. We are watching South Park and spinning donuts in the truck in the parking lot.

Moments after I talked to you a crazy thing happened, let me tell you about it.

Dozing in the guard shack at three two thirty in the morning, I have my headphones in, listening to Tom Waits and the Pouges. The green lawn chair I am lounging in is beginning to be too small for my back and I have to continually adjust my back so that the supports do not dig into my shoulder blades. A red igloo water cooler is strategicaly arranged so that my feet may be kicked up.
Half way into a dream I will snap my head up thinking that I hear feet in the gravel, or to the possibility of a truck rolling up. This time, I wake to a loud BANG and a mouth full of sand and dust. Out of nowhere the wind sprang up to 60 knots and whipped the dirt into a furious sand blast. The cause of my gritty teeth is the rear wall of my hutch being half way blown in. Now I am wide awake standing in the entrance with the bubble wrap streamers that we use as a door acting like Medusa's snakes.
Looking up, the sky is glowing orange and echoing righteousness from lightning strikes. The intensity only grew with with rain the size if June Bugs creating craters in the dusty ground. this went on for an hour and made puddles where I was doing donuts in today.
Gotta go

I love you

Ryan

McCain's idea of an Indiana Marketplace

I am munching on choco coffee beans yumyum. I got Gram's care package. I can't eat the beans like I used to but I still love them bunches.
I ran before work today and it seemed to help out my mood some.

I can watch the daily show at times, though it starts to piss me off when they talk about the war. So simple, every one wants to be here and the less they know the bigger their opinion seems to be.

I will need to spend some downtime when I get back if only to get back some stability in my head.

I just heard that McCain said that Iraq is a lot like an Indiana market place in the summer time. I can only imagine what Indiana must be like. Random road side bombings, mortor and rocket attacks daily, kidnapings with beheadings, smells like shit, a hazzy fog of smoke falling into your living quarters from the garbage dump that is burned 24 hours a day, cold showers, off base electricity that works four hours a day, roving bands of islamic police that will kill you on the spot if you deviate from thier idea of good taste. WOW! Indiana must be great.
Just a little rant for you.

I love you, Mom

Ryan

Ryan's job description

There was an article written about us force protectors in the local paper here in Balad. I thought that I would send it off to you. It seems pretty silly to me, but that is probably because I am in the middle of it, so I have a little bit of blinder on my eyes.

Life is pretty smooth same stuff every day and the food just gets worse. I choke down the slop when I can stomech it. Oh well I guess it is as good as a diet. Lots of salads, sandwiches and grilled chicken. I have about forty five days left and really my only concern is to leave with all of my stripes in tact. I miss you all.

Ryan

Click on these blue letters to read about Ryan's job in Balad, Iraq.

Stay or Come Home?

A Minnesota Guard speaks. Read Sargent Thul from Chaska on the Power Line blog for a balanced and far sighted approach to this timely question.

Certification picture

This is a photo of me getting the certificate from the training course.

Checking vehicles today so I have to stay until eight. last night I went through my notes from the General, I had five pages. Unfortunately, the save function was not utilized, we can call that a four hour (with business) note transcription training session. Oh well, I will sit down again tomorrow. The night went pretty slow but I did get the chance to watch a lot of Family Guy. The computers were down in the office until around three this morning. I am in and out right now. Just wanted to say, Hi.

Love you,

Ryan

Night shift

I just got your care package! IT ROCKS! Who thinks to send silly putty? That is so cool. The sewing needles are great also. The candy is going around and the troops are very thankful. I am going to keep the caribou bars to myself and a select few. The magazine is great, as I am on nights now I will have the time to read the whole thing. (the Blowpop minis are a big hit.) SSgt Mitchel is chowing down on the Skittles.

Things are going well, I have been nominated to attend a class on combat leadership. It lasts for three days for four hours a day. I will be able to go to the evening class so sleep deprivation will not be an issue.

I have been playing at least five games of chess a night and am starting to remember how to play. Hein is the guy I play the most and we are at about the same level. I play more by the book and he plays more from the hip. By the end of the week I should have the game down and win more, but it is really just fun to play. I got the Easter card, I found it on my bed when I dropped my gear off in my room. (Madey says hi, he asks how you are doing and how are the kids. He would really like some pie. "I'm reaching. I'm reaching.")
Thank you and happy Easter to you also.
I am going to be moving into a new area later this week or next which will be nice as I will have only one roommate instead of six roommates. I miss you tons.

Your son, Ryan

P.S., I you have any old science and discovery type magazines we here in Balad eat that kind of thing up.

P.P.S., Madey says, "I love you and will always remember your pleasant smile"


Mom writes back:
Your email is making me smile! Sure I can send Vic's old Scientific American's. I'll try to pick up a Discovery or some other reading material, too.
Combat leadership? Sounds like graduating from that class will take you out of the base. Hmm. You said you were nominated? By your peers or superiors?

Madey has a great sense of humor. I don't know who Madey is, but I'll think of how to send pie without it sloshing all over inside the package... Might have to be pilettes. (Not to be confused with pilots.)
SSgt Mitchel will get more skittles and I'll send you another book to get the best on Hein. Tell him to keep sharp. He's got the chess game attitude, so you better read carefully. Will you get to play chess with Hein when you move? Do you get to move because of the class? Will you still see these guys enough to pass on skittles and pie-lettes?
Gairm and I haven't been playing chess since I was gone so much to Grandma's. Helen came home from Hawaii today and I came home from Edina. I'll go again tomorrow. Mom said she was a little frightened that I was going to go. She was depending on me and doesn't always know how much better she is. She is still weak and isn't over her COPD, of course. But she is getting sharp again.
Saturday is her day to set up her meds for the week in her little plastic pill box, so I'll go and do that with her. Then I go to a class on marketing my book. There is a book fair for authors at the Bloomington Civic center a mile from our house.

I love you so much, Ryan. Keep a white light around you, a forcefield. Ask for help. Be present and all that good advice. The next two months seem really long now. The last two months seemed reasonable. Training is good. Get all the training you can, hon. You have some excellent gifts to share with your men. And I don't mean skittles.
Love, Mom

Running and climbing

I am starting to get hot and in another week or so the heat will be real. this is ok though as I will be going on nights pretty soon. A buddy and I are going to lay out by the pool and get that golden tan. I just found the climbing wall on base and am really enjoying that. We have started a run club that meets every day we call it the "Super Fun Run Club" we are averaging ten people a night am more are joining while others are droping off. I really like it because it gives me the motivation to keep going. Wimpy, Jai, Johnson and I switch off to run with the slow group and help motivate that is one of the things that is helping the time go by. I have been going five on with one off and have worked up to just under four miles a day. we will se what happens after the move to nights. Also I am trying to get people to climb with me. I like to go untill my feet touch the ground than have the next person go than go again. The last set is with my body armor on that is the one that beats me up. I get tired after I am done but i beleve that it is worth it. I do what i can to make the time go by. I am finding people who play chess which is great, I am very rusty and need the practice it is painful how bad i suck. you take 9 years off and what do you expect. over all this deployment is going well and i am staying safe and taking my vitamins.

Ryan

"write them all up! I have more paper than time left."

MSGT Romo

"My stripes are for you."

MSGT Romo

Snow and sand

Ryan's ride into Iraq looks a bit like his bedroom during high school.

Ryan wrote this morning that he is collecting more photographs. Photographing everything allows him to document the place and era.

Here in Minnesota the snow is falling. Ten inches predicted.

Iraq effects at home

My mother, Ryan's 82 year-old grandmother, is in the Veteran's Administration hospital in Minneapolis. She is recovering from a collapsed lung. She hates the war, I think she hates Bush more. So this memory is maddening to her as well as haunting.

Each morning she rides the elevator down to x-ray to get another picture of her lungs for her dedicated physicians. Yesterday, she and her volunteer chauffeur headed downstairs in an elevator along with a young man in a wheelchair. As the doors shut, the man suddenly blocks his face with his arms and exclaims, "I have to get out of here, there are too many Iraqis on this elevator!" There was just him, my 88-pound mama and her good Samaritan. She couldn't stop telling me the story all day.

It makes me want to volunteer to sooth these young vets from their terrible post traumatic shock. But how can that be done? Reminding him what day it is and where he is and that he is safe now. Am I naive? I'm volunteering to help a vet, now, I suppose, in being with my mother each day in the hospital. There are wonderful, caring medical staff and dozens of volunteers at our local VA. Each one feels the way my mother does, seeing the hurt of this young, young man. Not only because of the lack of his legs, but his lack of ever feeling safe again.

I think we have a right to protect America, but are we doing everything to protect Americans??

Ryan's camera

Today Ryan sent home pictures from Iraq. Here is Ryan in his uniform.

Feb. 22 & 23, 2007

2-22-07
Hi,

I knew that she would be a trooper my grandmother is stronger than even she knows. I know that she will be bouncing around before you know it.

Here, it is the same stuff most days, sleep eat work gym sleep eat work gym. the time is going by pretty fast. I found out a tenetive leave date already, aint it great to know people? yea it is. I am not going to send dates and times over the email but know that there are no suprises. I have started to play chess again every now and again. not nearly where i was when I was semi pro but I do still win when i play. I miss you alot and cant wait to see you this summer.

Ryan

2-23-07

hey,

I am glad to hear that Grandma is doing better. I sent some flowers for her, they should be at your place soon. also the pictures are on the way. I miss you and love you.

Ryan

His mom wrote back: Dear Ryan,
Mom loved the flowers you sent. They are blooming spectacularly. They are this lucious red, like a 1930s red. six petaled lillies with a couple sprigs of red berries and a background of golden rod. I brought them in her hospital room and set them on her tray. She looked pleased. And when I announced that the flowers were from you she got a look of wonder on her face and asked,
How'd he get them out of Iraq?
She recovered nicely when I said you ordered them off the internet. She really loves them and told me to email you and tell you so.
She said don't raise your hand and volunteer anymore, but come home and see us real soon. She was really moved that you thought of her. She has a special place in her heart for you.
Her second tube in her lung doesn't seem as good as the first and she is working hard to breath and keep her oxygen level up, but maybe its because it is the second hole and the first isn't healed yet. This is hard; seeing her disappointed, working hard to eat or talk. She was so determined to get out and fly to Mexico with Marianna, Frank and the boys, but the doc says no way.
She told me to tell you to quit smoking now. Gasping for breath is a bad way to go.
Must sound mundane, smoking side effects, to you who is in war where co-workers are outside getting blasted. I'm sorry. Just come home.
You know your job; stay in embodiement. You have people to comfort and supervise and train. You have a long life ahead of you. I love you, Ryan. Thanks for making your grandma, and my mama, so happy today.

Book choices

[Grandma] had better get better! I plan on taking her to the casino when I get home. You let them know that. My strep is better but I am keeping up with my amoxisilian three times a day for ten days. I was running a low grade fever 100 degrees and yesterday I threw up. I eat yogurt with every meal though for two days that I all I could keep down. I would only keep quarters for one day and am pretty bouncy out on post. I am ordering a couple of books right now; "the moon is a harsh mistress", some Kafka and " Confessions of an Economic Hitman" they are all pretty quick reads except for the Kafka of which I enjoy the stories.
It at times feels like a punishment detail. the hours are long but I am used to them now so that is not a big deal and most of the people that i am working with are alright. ... it is only going to be a couple of more months. ...
I love you all and i miss you greatly. I will be home in late june through early July. I cant wait to see you.
Ryan

Daily routine

Gordon sent some Pearl Harbor pics out and Ryan had this reply:

these are great photos. they should be put in an archive some where.

I am here in Balad grinding it out, it has not been too eventful the last few days and boring is better than action. I am in a pretty good gym routine and am taking my CLEP tests but i don't have time for much else. I am working 15 hour days it is twelve hours of standing around and an hour on either side arming up or down. i think that I might feel that I am missing some thing when I get back as I am only without my weapon while I sleep.

The weather is turning around so I do not have to wear a coat in the mornings now. I have lost over ten pounds since I touched down twenty days ago. We all have head colds I believe that it is from the dust.
I will speak to you soon.
Ryan from Iraq

He sent a general email out saying:

Calling to say that I love you, Life is ok here. I will be back soon. kicking butt at spades.

"Big Problem"

Hey,
Work is going well, I have been doing overwatch at the vehicle check-in site here at the LVIS (elvis).

It is pretty cold out side i am wearing three shirts gloves and a bennie hat. the sun has finally comeout. yesterday is rained in the morning and there was so much dust inthe air that the rain came down brown. you get so dirty so fast, it is crazy. it looks like we are going to be stuck with ten folks in a room for a while. that is pretty sucky but so it goes. you cant go to Iraq and then complain about the living conditions.

There is a funny storyabout the FNs as they are not so bright. A guy comes up to us holdingup his finger and says "Big Problem" we look at his finger and he has swerls on the tip of his finger. what happened we ask. and again he says, "big problem."
As it turns out, he lit up the car lighter and then pressed his finger against it. yes, i would call that a big problem.
will be in touch
Ryan

Jan. 28. 2007

Hi
Life is pretty smooth, we are still waiting for the group that we are replacing to leave so our rooms are full o0f people. I have 10 guys in my room. but that should be down to five or six in a little bit. it is really cold in the mornings and warms up to about 50 in the afternoons.

I have a feeling that time will go by pretty fast. the thing that is the hardest is that there is no alone time here. there are always people around. computer are hard to come by and we only get two fifteen minute phone calls a week so I have not been able to be in touch like I would like to be. the base is very safe and we are not able to leave it. that is a good thing because out side the wire is where people get hurt. we are in the heart of the most contested piece of land on the planet. and it really is hard to forget. I have my m-16 with me all the time.

I am working on getting a camel spider for Gairm but they dont come out for another month or so and they are not as big here as they are farther south. only about as large as a dinner plate. I miss you all very much and think of you often.

my job here is to moniter the locals who come on base as contractors as they do not recive security checks. so it is me and my partner who maintain base security. it is a pretty easy gig. right now i am watching over a crew of turks and thier Indian supervisor. the turks do not speak english but the indian does. they are just trying to work for a pay check. yesterday they let their generator run out of fuel and and as it is a diesel so i am waiting for maintanance guy to come out to fix it. as it is not military property we cant touch it.

I will try to get back to you in a couple of days.
I love you and miss you all. send this to grandma as well.

Day Two in the Desert

Day two in the desert. I slept like an angel. There are thirty bed to a tent in billeting and there is always some one coming in and out, after a while though you do adjust to the commotion. I do have a will located at Kadena in a readily accessible place. I have you as by beneficiary. you will get all the choices. but i will be buried at fort snelling with full military honors. it is still cold here but at least the sun is out. one of the guys has a cracked copy of photoshop so when i get to the actual place that i will be i can send home pictures. there is a photo lab here so what i will do is print out the photo and mail them home. the e-mail way just takes too long. the camera is working great I have been snapping shots like a tourist. if i can catch a camel spider i will send it to Gairm but most likly it will be a no go. it would be pretty cool though, huh? I feel pretty congested though it is probably due to the change in the air. This too shall pass. feel better mother.
Ryan
PS yes spread the mail to every one.

Day One: Transient in the Middle East

This is the first email from Ryan to his mom after he arrived in the Middle East:

That is a bummer about the pictures but the soup is going to help you feel better. I love you all and miss you tremendously. I am transient in the middle east for today but the next leg of the journy begins tomorrow. every were I look the color is tan the sky, ground building even the clothes that people are wearing every thing is tan. A group of us played spades a little while ago in the moral tent. my team lost but i was able to jump us up two hundred points by going nil. it was fun any way. we are going to play some poker in a little bit and the movine is "night in a musium" that starts at ten thirty tonight. the weather is really chilly we can see our breath. and when it is not sprinkling it is windy enugh to blow the dust in your mouth. it may sound like a misirable time but it is not. on every corner there is palet of water so you can not go thirsty. I will write again when I get to my destination.


This was my previous email to him:

Dear Ryan,
I've been thinking of you all day. You may have been able to look around base a little. Feel the air, anyway. Another climate change.
We love you. I love you. Vic loves you. Grink loves you.
Vic is making soup with the Christmas Turkey bones that he froze last month. He's planning on adding lots of root vegies. It will be another Froehlich creation.
Gordy had the first year of the new Dr. Who. He left it for Vic and I to watch. I miss it! I'm so sad they changed the doctor.
Gairm is grounded till he gets Cs. He's cheerful and sweet, and reading Terry Pratchet adn quoting him till we all go crazy. Mom and I are signed up for another painting class.\nI probab,ly told you half of this stuff and forgot. Did I tell you I wiped 4000 pictures off my computer by accident! And I use them in my web site etc so its a big drag.
Love you, Mom